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You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.]]> One Liners http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-152716 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:27:16 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-152716 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-152518
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.]]> Misc http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-152518 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:25:18 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-152518 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-152300
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.]]> One Liners http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-152300 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:23:00 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-152300 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151743
“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.

It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … that’s all I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .]]> Misc http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151743 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:17:43 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-151743 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151431
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.]]> One Liners http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151431 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:14:31 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-151431 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151008
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

MEETINGS, A practical alternative to work.]]> One Liners http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-151008 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:10:08 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-151008 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-150719
The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

" Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"]]> Boss http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-150719 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:07:19 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-150719 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-150349
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks.

The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, “That one costs $2,000.”

Needless to say this begs the question, “What can IT do?”

The owner replies “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”]]> Boss http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090508-150349 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 08 May 2009 20:03:49 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=09&m=05&entry=entry090508-150349 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080524-195601
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.]]> Consultants http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080524-195601 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sun, 25 May 2008 00:56:01 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080524-195601 http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080512-201239
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."]]> Boss http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080512-201239 Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com Tue, 13 May 2008 01:12:39 GMT http://officejokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080512-201239