Office Jokes And Humor

Why did your boss jump out of the window?

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 05:07:57 GMT

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene asked the secretary.

"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."

"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.

The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."

Office Slogans

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 05:05:29 GMT

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings - they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

Two days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Barracks Door

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 05:01:26 GMT

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Equal Opportunity Employer

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 04:59:59 GMT

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Hot Day At The Office

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 04:56:13 GMT

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Road Work

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 03:06:24 GMT

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

Submitted by Greg Hall.
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Even More Office Truisms

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:27:16 GMT

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

More Office Truisms

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:25:18 GMT

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Office Truisms

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:23:00 GMT

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Whoops

Resources For Attorneys tj@resourcesforattorneys.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:17:43 GMT

A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

�What is your name?� was the first thing she asked the new guy.

�John,� the new guy replied.

She scowled, �Look� I don�t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don�t call anyone by their first name.

It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only � Smith, Jones, Baker � that�s all I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?�

The new guy sighed, �Darling. My name is John Darling.�

�Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .